Cᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ Iɴᴅᴇx —

a review by the Azure-Winged Magpie.
(and the Crow!)

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Oh wow! Things have gone all over the place! 

Let’s do the swoop swoop! 

It splits in twain!

First Officer‘s log, Stardate 96731.22: Hello hello and chatter chatter! We finally made it!

🖖 ( ◡ ) !

Butfirst! It’s… Tiny Team Update time

Click here to skip to the review!

So… no posts have been up for a few days. And that’s because I decided it was better if we finished Star Trek Month the way we usually handle our “special” months… with a post EVERY DAY! The Crow’s back because he LOVES Picard and he’s got a buncha posts that are gonna start dropping in now and then. We might even extend Star Trek “Month” (I mean… I’ve been sick. I have an excuse)! to the first week of March because we actually have more than just the films to go over. 

But more on that later! I’m heading right into Generations cause I can’t wait to get my favourite Star Trek crew started off!

This is the show that the Crow and I grew up with. And we kinda both ended up becoming engineers because of it. Okay he’s more the space guy and I’m more the water bender round here parts but the point is we love “ships” wherever they float! And a lotta that is because of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Look up top. We even use the TNG-era uniform colours! So here we go!
Let’s take a look at Star Trek Generations

(◔ ◡ ) …yay!

Star Trek VII:
Let’s Put Some Dillweed on it!


🖖 (◔ ◡ ◔) !

Y’know how they say that the odd-numbered Star Trek films aren’t all that great? This one sits right in the middle of all that cause it kinda confuses me. I’m going to say straight up that I’m not sure if I like it or I don’t like it. There’s a lot that happens in this film and there’s a lot of people in it but… then some really dumb stuff happens. But we’ll get to that later. 

🖖 ( ) …why am I still throwing up the salute?!

The “intro” bit is really really really long. I’m not really a big fan of the whole “excited reporters” thing but it is what it is. And who’s this?! TUVOK (Tim Russ)?! I mean… make up your mind. Either you work on the Enterprise B or you’re trying to steal the Enterprise D (before the next part of this film starts up) or you’re pretending to be Maquis and falling asleep in Janeway’s chair! You can’t be doing all of those at the same time (or can you? I mean… Vulcans live long no?)! But yeah… Tuvok’s on the bridge while Captain Kirk (Bill Shatner), Scotty (James Doohan) and Chekov (Walter Koenig) are “touring” the ship and just being sad cause they’re not the ones running the show no more.

And OF COURSE something goes wrong and the Enterprise is the ONLY ship that’s in range. So they jump into action and go and save some El-Aurian ships from an energy ribbon! And yup! This is where Star Trek picks up Guinan (Whoopi Goldberg) and Dr. Tolian Soran (Malcom “Alex “Bit of the old in and out” DeLarge” McDowell). So they’ve saved the refugees but the ship gets stuck and Kirk decides to run around and save the ship by doing… something something to the deflector dish.

Now the new captain John Harriman (Alan Ruck) kinda just gave Kirk command at one point and I was beginning to feel a little bad for the dude. But then Kirk has this one scene where he lets Harriman stay on the bridge so that he can feel in charge and that was pretty nice. But I gotta ask… why is it always someone from the bridge who has to run down to the deflector dish or whatever? They’ve got people there right? How about a call or something? Even if you don’t have a full crew… someone’s gotta be hanging around the dish right?

And then! Kirk ded.

Yup. The film just went and killed CAPTAIN KIRK!
Let that sink in a sec… 

But no worries! We’re on the Enterprise now!

We have to go and bully Worf (Michael Dorn) cause we’re horrible like that! 

So Worfy goes for a swim and we meet our new crew (I’m putting them all in one big list cause no way I’m getting them all together in one sentence)!

  • Jean-luc “Daddy” Picard (Sir Patrick “Hnng!” Stewart)
  • Commander William “Number One” Riker (Jonathan “Two Takes” Frakes)
  • Data (Brent Spiner) 
  • Geordi LaForge (LeVar Burton)
  • Doctor Beverly Crusher (Gates McFadden)
  • Counsellor “bae” Troi (Marina Sirtis)
  • Worf

And they’re all nice and fun like they were on TNG. But then! Picard gets some bad news and… oookay. This storyline is just bad. I mean… the PatStew does his best with it but the whole “brother” thing is really really really bad. And we get around to the main story.

The energy ribbon that was bothering the El-Aurian ships and the Enterprise B is back and Soran wants in. I mean it’s Alex DeLarge… did you think he was going to be the hero of this story? The ribbon’s called the Nexus and it’s a place where everything you want becomes real (kind of like the mushroom land but less complicated I guess). And people want to… stop him…?

Okay. Hear me out. I know his plan ends up dedding a WHOLE buncha pre-Warp peeps but… you’re in Starfleet. Couldn’t they just help him get into the Nexus some other way? They didn’t have to stop him. Sure! Stop the plan. Then dump the fool into the Nexus by kicking him out an airlock or something…

If I knew there was a place where I could get unlimited back massages (I could do with one right now actually)… [BLEEP] reality! I’m heading there right aw… oh wait. Guess who’s there?

I really need to sit down and go over how much I really want to hang with Bill Shatner… eternity with him might make me more insane than I already am… 

But it’s not all that bad! Picard gets caught up in the Nexus after Soran only goes and blows up a STAR (what the holy Magpie) with the help of B’Etor and Lursa Duras (I don’t talk about those two)! Data’s having “fun” with his emotion chip and Geordi goes and gets compromised (shame on you for not thinking that through Geordi!) and there’s a bunch of action in space where Riker takes command of the ship and lets… Troi… pilot the… Enterprise D.

Oh. We know what that means…

Picard learns how to make eggs from Kirk in the Nexus and I gotta problem. Okay so the Crow’s dropped recipes before. I’m going to fix this right now. These eggs sound terrible (can’t say I know any Ktarian chickens though)! Here’s what you do.

  • Grab two chicken eggs. Whisk em a little
  • Butter. Pan. Fire. Eggs in
  • Let them sit a bit and fold them
  • Milk in! Little by little! Keep folding slowly
  • Salt and pepper. Maybe some green onion or something
  • Done when the whites tighten! 

Whatever Kirk’s cooking for his bae (with DILL)! just doesn’t sound good! So yeah. Go with Mummy Magpie’s recipe! I put some sugar and soy into the whisk but not everyone likes them that way so I left them out. Back to the film!

Somehow Picard and Kirk magic their way back in time(!) and show up right before the star gets blowed up so they can stop Soran. Kirk bites it (no really) and it’s really not a great scene for a character as epic as James Tiberius Kirk and Picard buries him beneath some rocks or something and Troi crashes the Enterprise and it’s… not too bad?

Okay. So! A whole lotta the story is just bad. The Duras sisters (who I don’t talk about). The Geordi thing. The Enterprise D crashing (I liked that ship). The Picard brother thing. The family scenes. Soran not really being that interesting. “Antonia”. Data being a wet sock. And the DILL WEED eggs. But… even though there’s so much going on and so much of it’s not good… it’s still a fun little flick. I don’t think it’s the best “send off” for Kirk and the TNG cast deserved a better film to start out with, but Generations really isn’t bad-bad. I actually like this film.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying its good either but it just isn’t as bad as some people say it is. Yeah, 2 and 6 were better. Probably the best so far. But this one isn’t as bad as 1 or 5. I’m not so sure if I can recommend the film though. It’s one of those “let’s just see where this goes” kinda films.

It doesn’t really get the job done in giving Cap’n Kirk the send off he deserved and isn’t the best at really introducing the TNG cast to movie audiences but it’s watchable. I think one of Soran’s lines kinda describes this film as a whole… 

“What’s normal?” Well, that’s a good question. Normal is what everyone else is and you are not.

— Tolian Soran; Generations

Anyway! Those are my thoughts on Generations. There’s a lot more TNG to come so stay tuned. This one really confused me so I mighta been a bit rambly in this review but I know the next one’s going to fly smoother (without Troi at the helm). I’ll be bringing the Crow in for it but hey! It’s Discovery day tomorrow so stay tuned for that as well!

See you next time! 

Azure-Winged Magpie up! Up! And Awayyy! *BONK!* 

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Final Ratings

THE CROW: 3.5/10

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Pɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛ / Tᴡɪᴛᴛᴇʀ / Fʟɪᴘʙᴏᴀʀᴅ

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See Also

Here’s the official poster:

29 thoughts on “ Review: Star Trek VII: Generations [1994]; The Nexus Generation and Eggs! ”

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