Aʟʟ ᴏᴜʀ Pᴀsᴛ Rᴇᴠɪᴇᴡs —

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a (kinda short) review by the Azure-Winged Magpie.
Who is NOT drunk RN! hic!

Cʟɪᴄᴋ ꜰᴏʀ Pᴀʀᴛ Oɴᴇ — // Cʟɪᴄᴋ ꜰᴏʀ Pᴀʀᴛ Tᴡᴏ —

Woo! Whaaayyyyy! We made it to the end you lot! We’re now 3 for 3 on the Godzilla anime triolgy! Wooooo

(I’ve been waiting for this garbo to come to an end!) 

Can the anime trilogy do it?! Can they give us a good film?! Are we gonna walk away all not disappointed?! Can we get the King vs the Big KG fight we needed and DESERVED after they turned MechaGoji into a [REDACTED] CITY?! 

Are we? Are we? Let’s fire up Netflix and git this done son! 

GODZILLA: ᴛ̶ʜ҉ᴇ P͝ʟ̧ᴀɴᴇ̡ᴛ ͡E̶ᴀᴛ͢ᴇ̧ʀ



( C) vs ( ◡ …my (Earth) King!

HOO BOY-O! Here we go! 

Godzilla: The Planet Eater came out in my ancestor-land a long long long time ago and I could’ve heard a LOT about it. But I stuck my fingertips in my ears and LALALAd every little bitty bit I heard out until I got to see it with my own two eyes. And it just came out on Netflix (who’re balling right now) a few hours ago. 

And we’re right back where the last one left off! GojiEarth’s just kinda… cooling off and all our folks are hanging around looking at him (like they do). And it’s right there that the film says that it’s not really gonna be hanging around waiting like the other two did. The Barley Salads want Haruo’s head on a plate and REVOLT! The two jpeg-folks (Metaphies and the ‘other one’) who’ve been popping in and out of the story are all hoity-toity and fancy-talky about how great humans are (yeeeesh!) and Haruo’s all BWAAAAH over his brain-dead bae Yuko.

And while everyone’s powering down from the fight at the end of the last film (and GojiEarth takes a quick kip cause he got all hot and bothered) Metaphies starts converting people to his religion all over the place. 

And I warned you lot. I warned you Metaphies was up to no good. It turns out that all the jpeg people really wanted was to call their god down so that the universe could get wiped out. 

And who’s their god? Well… wouldn’t ya guess it?! It’s only… 


Now here’s the thing. The film takes its sweet sweet time getting around to showing us the gold-crusty “Wings of death” (who ain’t got no wings in this one). It doesn’t hide things away like the other two films. It tells us the three-headed Devil King is coming. But damn does it make us wait a long long long time before things start getting bum-over-tit. 

And that’s something I actually liked about this film. Sure… I want to watch EarthKing Goji throw down with extra-dimensional KG. I want to watch what I’ve been waiting for since 2017. But… this film held it off for a long long time, but didn’t make all that waiting around for it annoying like the last one did. 

Yeah. We get the annoying humans and the weird Moth-people. Hell. They even threw a really weird smoosh-smoosh scene in there. We get more dumb Barley-Salad names (Delu-do… I’m not making that up). We get a scene with soup (actual, yummy moth-soup). And we get some yawny-philosophy-sising about things. But finally(!) … FINALLY it happens. A black hole (!!!) pops up outta nowhere and out sneaks the Big KG (and wow is he BIG) all ready to throw down with GojiEarth!

Aaand… the fight’s a bit [BLEEP].

The thing is… so far the humans have been trying to fight the Earth King and take back the planet. But in this one everyone quickly realises that the King’s on their side because Ghidorah’s much much much worse. There’s a bit of bitey-bitey and a bit of swipy-swipy, but there really ain’t much to the fight.

It really comes down to a telepathic fight between Haruo and Metaphies (which Haruo gets a boost during thanks to Her Fuzzy Buzziness‘s shadow) and when it’s over, it’s over really quick. Like the whole film is just those two fight scenes and some stuff about the Moth-people and death cults and all. There just really isn’t a lot going on here. 

There was a bit about a “naturally occuring singularity” which made me lol because of how dumb the whole idea was dealt with. I mean… read a book guys. Black Holes are pretty natural. Or are you talking about a NAKED singularity? Maybe you wanna tell us that before we think you failed A-level physics (or you’re just a dumb-dumb)? I mean… this series of films has been trying to show off how good its science is and everything. That’s why I’m being so mean about it.

I like the Ghidorah idea. This is stuff the Crow specialises in and it’s not something we ain’t seen before. Far as extra-dimensional other-universe baddies go… the LONG KG in this one was pretty alright. He doesn’t have much personality though. He’s just kinda… CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP! ME BAD! ME UNTOUCHABLE! and that’s about it. Even the Earth King’s all like “Huh. What’s this [BLEEP]?”

And even though I liked this film better than the other two… it really doesn’t have too much of a story (which I guess is what made this film better) and not a lot really goes on. But I did have a problem with the ending. In the end, the film kinda shows us people settling down with their Moth-baes and becoming villagers like in Battlestar Galactica (which we really need to get around to) and kinda co-existing with GojiEarth. And I kinda thought that Goji Earth was gonna be cool with the people that were left hanging around. But NOOO. Haruo has to go something stupid!

I really really really hate Haruo and THIS is why. Everyone’s all happy and fine and living with Goji Earth (who likes his sleep dammit!) and Haruo has to take the ONE last weapon the humans have and kamikaze himself (and Yuko) with it into Gojira for no [BLEEP]ing reason. I’m happy he snuffed it. Now can GojiEarth just go back to his kip already? 

Azure-Winged Magpie up! Up! And Awayyy! *BONK!* 


Final Ratings

THE CROW: 2.5/10

Here’s the official poster:

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