Roast-a-view: The Room [2003]

a (totally serious and long-awaited) review by the Azure-Winged Magpie.
^{with help from an old post of the Crow’s!} 

A-W Magpie chatter/NSFW Warning!

I’m dead serious. DO NOT READ THIS AT WORK. You have been warned.

Note: Last year… well, EXACTLY eleven months ago (24/10/16), the Crow wrote a review of this film. He was trying to be ‘funny’. Since we all know he’s as fun as a wet sock, I forced him to pull it down.

So… here’s a PROPER review of this film, instead. And yeah, it took me this long to write this shit. Art takes doing, y’know?

I’m about to… TEAR THIS FILM APART, LISA!

o hai, readers!

I did not read that it’s not true. It’s bowl-shit. I did not read that. I did nat.
^{o hai, you lot!}

(⊙◡⊙^✿)

So yeah. The Crow tried. He really did, the innocent child. But I have a problem with him: He says he’s funny. No. It’s not true. Don’t even ask. When it comes to being funny, he’s not a Crow. He jus’ cheekin ^{chippy-chippy-cheep-cheep!} That’s where I come in. I’m the funny-bunny-birdy around here. And you know what? …it’s going to seem to you like I’m the EXPERT, you lot!

I watched this film a long time ago. Everyone knows I don’t drink ^hic! like Johnny ^ahahahaha! so I was stone-cold sober when I was watching it. My future-husbaan at the time (since booted into a bin somewhere for an upgrade) was watching it one day, all convinced it was some great drama film. I was busy at the time and wasn’t really paying attention. I’d just got a new client, at work… we make a lat of money… but wait… I can not tell you (about that), it’s confidenshial.
^{Anyway… hows your scexlife?}

But I started getting interested. And I sat down to watch it. When I finally got through it, I went: oof! This film is one big OOF!
Now, let’s go review haah? Let’s go…
^{ahahahahaha…}

---

What a story, Mark!

WARNING: THIS SECTION CONTAINS OH, HI MARK!

The Room is a film about Johnny (Tommy Wiseau — the writer, director, exec. producer, and producer pt.2 of the dang thang), who is a banker. Johnny has a good job which makes him a lat of money and has a beautiful future-waiiif Lisa (Juliette Danielle). Every bady loves Johnny and he’s his local flower-lady’s “favourite customer”.
He’s totally looking forward to getting married to his future-waiiif when along comes a wild Mark! But, I get ahead of my own pretty beak…
So. Scene. Set.

Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) kicks us off. “(H)i babe!” he says, and guess what?! He has something for his future-waiiif! And wouldn’t ya guess it? It’s a “sexy” red dress ^{“anything for my princess!”} Once she’s put it on, their neighbour(?)-kid Denny (Philip Haldiman) shows up and is wowed by Johnny’s future-waiiif‘s sexy shit. Of course this only means that Johnny has to “take a nap”. At which point, Denny asks if he can go upstairs too.

(◔ _ ◔^✿)^…

And Lisa, the ever-hostess-iest hostess, says she’s going to join him.
…
I mean… the kid just done walked through the door. Ehhh… I like getting it on and all much as the next Magpie. But… I mean…

(◔ _ ◔^✿)^…

So… Denny loiters around while the happy couple go upstairs to exercise baby-making techniques. They start things off with a random pillow fight ^…okay, and Denny joins them anyway.

(O _ O^✿)^!

…what is wrong with these people? What’s wrong with this kid? I mean, “Denny… do you have something else to do?”
Oh, it turns out he just “like[s] to watch” the “guys” 🙂

(ʘ っ ʘ^✿)^…?!

So, ah, Denny fucks off to do some homework or some shit. Y’know, since “two’s great, but three’s a crowd^{a ha ha!}” and Johnny and Lisa finally start getting down to a good ol’ pipin’ session. But wait. They spend somewhere abouts half a day fooling around first, with dancing and roses and shit. I mean, I love rolling around and everything, but at some point, itches need to be scratched and all. How these guys are doing this after five years together is a bit much, ain’t it?

Anyway. Whatever. They do their weird lovey-dovey shit, before…

(⊙︿⊙^✿)^!

…wait. Johnny.
Johnny. Dude.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Know what? I’m gonna let the Crow take this next part away, since you can read how his brain melts:

The Crow: […] that’s not where that goes! It’s almost like Wiseau doesn’t know anything about female anatomy. He’s got to be old enough to know better.

Here’s a primer: [… photo of human anatomy …] Notice what’s missing in the middle there? The way the shot is framed makes it look like Wiseau’s jabbing Danielle in her liver. And the worst part of all this? There was a team around him at the time, and no one bothered to point it out to him. And he saw this, and decided it was the shot he’d keep in the final cut.

And yep. That’s exactly what Johnny does. He starts jabbing her in the gut with his dick. And this whole scene takes FOREVER. Seriously. Outside of porn, Gaspar Noe, and Lars von Treacle-head, this has got to be one the longest (and most boring) sex scenes ever filmed. And…
^{Hang on a minute. I need to un-tense the muscles in my stomach-area.}

So… after the first crap porno section of the film, we get to the morning after. See? I KNEW they’d spent a whole afternoon/evening cycle going at it! Eating! Bathroom-ing! Who cares about those things?! They wuz havin’ sexercise! ^ahahaha! And then…

___(>ᓀ <^✿) ^{i wanna die}

…Johnny moons us good morning. ^{And no. His bum ain’t much to look at…}

So. I done gone over a lot in detail so far. It’s because I’m setting up the plot, see? And believe you me. There actually is one. And all stories require conflict (or so I’m told). Let me tell you what it is:

Mark (Greg Sestero) is Johnny’s best friend. Johnny is so lucky to have a beautiful future-waiiif like Lisa, and a best friend like Mark. Mark also knows a girl who wants a dozen guys (this girl wants Mark’s dongle in her port, wink-wink). One of them finds out about it and ends up in the morgue of a hospital on Guerrero Street. ^{ahahahaha! What a story, Mark!}

Yup. That’s our story!

…

(◔ _ ◔^✿)^…

errr… you guys are still here, aren’t you?
…Magpie-dammit!

Okayfine. I’ll get on with it.

Lisa has had enough of being punched in the liver by Johnny during coughcheapporncough“sex”, and wants out. But her mum and their friends and EVERYONE knows how “good” and “secure” Johnny is. He has a “good job” and buys her things. He “doesn’t drink”. I mean. That’s why us girls become future-waiiifs, no? How dare Lisa!

So Lisa decides to scratch her itch with a dildo named Mark. See how it all ties together?! What a masterpiece of storytelling, Mark! ^{a ha ha!}

And y’know what? I don’t really blame her. Look at Exhibit A and Exhibit…

(⊙◡⊙^✿)

…oh right. Got a bit, um, distracted, there. Where were we? Oh yeah. The ouchie-bouncy! Mark’s resistance lasts for about as long as certain people usually (um) do during… ^{bad Magpie, BAD! Stop thinking!} and they rumpy-pumpy on a spiral… staircase…?

(⊙_⊙^✿)^…owie!

So yeah. While Johnny is “busy” and “buying things” (roses!) and being “good” and “not drink”ing, Lisa’s crossing all the chapter numbers off the old piston-gym charts with Mark. But…!

that’s not all that’s going on in The Room! I haven’t even got to the DEEP COMPLEX CHARACTERS who are ALSO IN THE FILM!

They are: Denny, Johnny and Lisa’s friends, Lisa’s mum, a drug dealer, two college kids, a flower-shop lady, and a flower-shop “doggie”. Man oh man! We in for a rollercoaster of a story aren’t we?! With all these characters bouncing around the Tommy-Lisa-Mark triangle, there’s got to be a LOT of subplots and other hoity-toity-sounding shit going on (eg: “introspective” and “narrative” ^{I’m so smart, see?!}).

Let’s put Denny aside for now. Let’s put him next to James Franco from Alien: Covenant from some all that while ago for now (wink-wink!). Let’s get to the dipshit who’s picture you just saw. Who is he? Well… I don’t fucking know. He’s a college kid or some shit.

He and his girlfriend walk into Johnny and Lisa’s apartment (…wait, did they just leave the house without locking the door?) and start to … sigh. They wanna bang. Okay? Everyone in this film’s having so much rumpy-pumpy that I’m beginning to get jealous here. And here I thought we racked up a lot of miles. We’re deffo doing something wrong if some Polish/French/Bulgarian/fuck-knows-from-where-looking zombie motherfucker lives in a world where having this much sex is normal.
^{Then again… he does think sexytimes involves stabbing his dick into the liver part…} 

Anyway. They start getting down to it, and Lisa walks in with her mum. The mum asks a pretty good question, actually: “What are these characters doing here?” Oh, I see, they just come over every once in a while to do “homework”. Right. And what do they bring in to the story?

…

(◔ _ ◔^✿)^…

What? You expecting an answer or something? Look up. That face is it. That’s what they bring to the story. They pop in, pop one off, and pop off. The girl shows up a few more times, though, but I don’t remember seeing the dude again…

Now, let’s get on to Lisa’s mum. She’s got problems. And she’s also got solutions!

One. She really really really wants Lisa to marry Johnny because he’s good and all (look above for the full list). She is so into the idea that when Lisa gives her some bad news about Johnny’s behaviour, she completely ignores the bad behaviour bit (I’ll get to this in a mo) and tells Lisa that “Johnny doesn’t drink” (ie: ‘he’d never do that!’). She says she “definitely ha[s] breast cancer”. And she tells Lisa to really, really, really marry Johnny, because at least Lisa’s “got a good man”. Lisa’s “computer business” really can’t sustain her. If it wasn’t for Johnny, where would she be, after all?

She later also participates in an cough”action”cough scene.

This is the bit where I think it’s time we talked about Denny.

So… remember when he jumped into bed with Johnny and Lisa? Well… you see, Denny is a kid who Johnny wanted to adopt a long time ago. Johnny’s a “father figure” to him. And wouldn’t ya guess it? Denny has a crushie-boo on Lisa.

And y’know, it’s just natural, isn’t it? He likes watching her ‘working out’ with Johnny, he asks her if he can kiss her, he just kinda slips in and out of their house whenever he feels like. It’s just normal to have a kid hanging out like that, isn’t it? I mean… how’s Johnny to know (apart from the kid jumping into bed between him and his future-waiiif) about all this creepiness?

Oh wait. That’s right. Denny only straight-up goes and tells him.

So, that coughactioncough scene I mentioned earlier?

Y’see: Denny’s in deep with this drug-dealer Chris. Chris wants his money. Denny says “it’s coming” in “five minutes”. No. It doesn’t (and I was a-waitin’), but Chris don’t care. He holds a piece to Denny’s head and yells at him until Johnny and Mark show up to save the day!

Lisa and her mum teleport behind them while they tussle with the neighbourhood druggist. and a HUGEBIG yelling match breaks out. In about (and I counted) a minute-and-a-half, during which our cows yell at Denny and hug him and shit, Johnny runs back from dropping Chris off at “the police”. Mark’s there, too. So… ah… where’s Chris, then?

Anyway. Denny’s mum says she’s “going to call call the police”, but the lot tell her to calm her tits. So… ah… where’s Chris, then?

Anyway… back to Denny. What about this business with the druggist? What’s he on? Why’s he on it? Where’s the money? What’s going on with this kid everyone has the feels for? Put it in a jar on the shelf, right between Lisa’s mum’s breast cancer and “homework blows” dudebro. No one cares.

But Chris is on the loose, no? No. Stick him in a jar, too.

While all of this is going on. Lisa is having bang-bang boom-boom time with Johhny (who she gets drunk! for the first time after finding out he didn’t get his promotion at his job we ain’t really know anything about) and Mark ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

She decides she’s going to tell everyone Johnny hit her that one afternoon when he got drunk and they banged. Johnny’s annoyed by the allegations and pours his heart out to Mark in the film’s most iconic scene.

You’ll just have to watch it to get how good this scene is. There are a few scenes from The Room that are especially “special”. It, like most of the outdoor stuff in the film, happens up on the roof. And oh my birdys and hoomins and delicious fishies… it’s AMAZING.

It goes:

“I did nat hit her. It’s not true. It’s bowl-shit. I did not hit er. I did NAAAT.” ^{ohai, Mark!} 

(T_ワT^✿)

So… the boys make some small talk about the goss around town. Mark’s thinking about whether or not “girls like to cheat like guys do” (wink-WINK!), but y’know, Johnny doesn’t have to worry about that, ‘cos “Lisa’s loyal to” him (WINK-WINK!). So, Mark tells him about this girl he knew who “had a dozen guys, one of them found out about it, beat her up so bad she ended up in a hospital on Guerrero street”. (WINK-FUCKING-WINK!)

^{ha ha…} What a story, Mark! It seems to Johnny like [he’s] the EXPERT, Mark!

Wink-Wink-Wink-Wink-Wink-Wink-Wink-Wink!

Oh wait! DUDEBRO actually shows up again! He shows up and tells Johnny about the last time he showed up in the film, and… they play hand-egg in the alley.

Oookay…

There’s a huge LOT of hand-egg in this movie for no reason. Blokes just pull out a leather egg and start tossing it around for no real reason. So… a lot of talking and stuff happens. People play hand-egg. Lisa’s mum shows up to talk about a house. Johnny asks Mark about his secxlife. And Johnny bugs the home telephone so he can spy on what Lisa’s getting up to.

We’re like an hour into this film by this point. Johnny visits Peter, a friend who’s a psychologist and who we haven’t seen in the film up until now. This guy makes a pretty darn good point about “confronting her”. But Johnny wants to give her a “sicind chence“, because Lisa’s his “future-waiiif“. Y’know what “dey sey, luffh es blaaind…”
^{kill me now…} 

So… Mark shows up and kinda-sorta spills the beans to Johnny and Peter without naming the married tart he’s seeing on the side (what a dick! Timing, you bastard!). And even though Peter (so far the only person in the film with a brain apart from Mark, I guess) is here to talk to Johnny since he’s a psychologist, Johnny throws a tantrum because Peter “always play[s] psychologist” with them.

Um… okay.

(◔ _ ◔^✿)^{…CONSISTENCY!}

So, Johnny’s sad that he ain’t getting his knob away and is thinking of breaking up with Lisa and doesn’t know what to do. The script flops on Peter, and after a few more decent lines, he suddenly starts…

oh fuck me. Johnny just dropped his famous taunt.

When Johnny calls someone a chicken, he doesn’t stop there. He goes full retard, and starts chirping out:

“Cheeep-Chip-Chip-Chip-Chip-Chee^eep-Cheee…ee^ee..ee^eee…!”

…

(⊙◡⊙^✿)^{…this is fucking hilarious!}

So yeah, these dickheads start talking about chicks they knew like the MASSIVE fucking BELLENDS ^{fight me, you bastards!} that they are, and talk about barbecue chicken (which was delicious with rice…?). Peter starts being a plot-driver again, and we get a garbled backstory about how Johnny met Lisa (I still don’t understand 75% of the dialogue, here) before everyone fucks off the set, leaving the newly-arrived Lisa and Johnny to talk.

Peter figures out Mark’s been doing the do with Lisa (well, I guess it’s not that hard), and Mark only goes and nearly chucks him off the rooftop.

(⊙ _ ⊙^✿)^…!

I mean… whatever. They go back to acting normal (!), stopping for a minute so Mark can have a hissy fit. Peter stays the smart man, goes and calls Lisa a sociopath (let me stab YOU in the liver for over five years and see if YOU don’t go loopy upstairs, Mr Smarty-Pants!), but at least tells Mark to STFA from Lisa (that bit, I’m cool with).

So… everyone plays hand-egg again (and one of them hits the deck AGAIN) for no reason. There’s a scene at a caff. Mark shags Lisa again and… y’know what? This is a boring fucking film when you watch it again. Imma stick to YT “best of” videos from now on for this one. I like rumpy-pumpy and all, but I have standards, you know? This is lower quality than amateur porno, and believe you me, I am NOT turned on or anything by ANY of the racy scenes in this film.

At least Mark doesn’t stab Lisa in the liver, and…
…hang on. Wiseau had to see both scenes before they got stitched into the film, no?

Tommy Wiseau really doesn’t know how to bone, does he? He’s a virgin!
No wonder…

THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!

And… more hand-egg. Fuck that. I’m skipping to the end. On the way, Mark and Lisa decide to have a “special snuggle” again, but they’re caught by that college girl friend of Lisa’s. Lisa gets told what she should do again (her mum joins in, later), and… we’ve been here before. Everyone really loves telling Lisa what she should do. And Lisa loves telling everyone she’ll do what she fucking wants.

Anyway… Johnny arrives home to surprise birthday party Lisa’s thrown for him. Some randoms show up (who we’ve never seen before) to add some heads to the place, and after two minutes of absolute random bowl-shit, Lisa tells everyone to fuck off outside “for some fresh air”. Everyone (and I mean everyone) thinks this is the best idea since sliced bread. While they all skip out for this “fresh air”, Lisa holds Mark behind and decides its a good a time as any to engage in raunchy-cuddles.
…sigh.

ButWAIT! Someone catches them in the act. He asks them why they’re “doing this” in the most robotic, wooden way EVER, before telling them to “leave [their] stupid comments in [their pocket[s]!”. Mark storms off, and this random lectures Lisa about how she’s going to “DESTROY Johnny!”, because “he’s… very… sensitive…”.

Fuck’s sake. If as many people cared about me the way everyone cares about Johnny, I’d be the Magpie-Empress of the Earth by now. Johnny’s such a Gary Stu that he breaks the Stu-o-meter and escapes the Stu-o-verse. Everyone loves him (apart from that ‘evil’ Lisa) and everyone’s looking out for him. Anyone got a spoon? I really want to do something about this…

Another two minutes pass by, and out-of-fucking-nowhere, Johnny announces to “abrre-bary!” that Lisa and he are “Expecting! ^{a ha ha!}”

(◔ _ ◔^✿)^…

Well, that… came out of nowhere…

Lisa’s friend and random catch-in-the-act-man get the truth out of her. There is no babby. WaitWUT? It came out of nowhere, and goes nowhere in like two minutes? Give me a fucking break, Tommy. She “told him that to make it interesting”…? WHY IS THIS IN THE FILM YOU FUCKING TOOL?!

YOU THINK YOU’RE “SITTING ON AN ATOMIC BOMB WAITING FOR IT TO GO OFF” RANDOM CATCH-IN-THE-ACT-MAN?! ASK TOMMY FUCKING WISI-WISI-WHATEVER-THE-FUCK IF HE KNOWS WHAT AN ATOMIC BOMB EVEN IS!

Random voice from the pits of cinema: I know what atamic bamb is. It is a big bamb. It explore and lats-a people diiie ^{a ha ha!}

Um… what was that?! Er… whatever. Let’s go on…

So… it turns out that during the lecture, her friends aren’t worried about her. They’re worried about Johnny, like everyone, their mum, and the flower shop lady is. God-fucking-dammit. Just GET ON WITH IT, MOVIE! Oh wait. Lisa “DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!” …like half the fucking conversations in this film. Now, Lisa’s friend is going to have a hard time forgiving her, even though she was SO giggly earlier in the film when she caught Lisa snuggling with Mark.

(◔ ◡ ◔^✿)^{…CONSISTENCY!}

Now, Lisa tells everyone to fuck off inside, and everyone does.

People eat cake and make out like it’s the best thing since sex, some random calls Lisa hot, Johnny ^{a ha ha!}s a bit, and Mark wants to know who the babby-daddy is. One thing leads to another, and…

A 16-second (I counted!) “fight” kicks off between Johhny and Mark (wew, lads!). Johnny reassures everyone that it’s “ALRWIIGHT! Okay folx, everything is faaain, fite is [fuck knows. I think he says all his fault]” The two lads shake hands (some fucking fight that was) and Johnny walks off with Lisa to have a word.

And CUT TO: 

Lisa dancing with Mark all lovey-dovey.

(◔ _ ◔^✿)^…

I mean, these two are like 3 mm away from sticking their tongues down the other’s throat… SUBTLE! So… Johnny walks up to them and asks Lisa “what are you doin’?” in the meekest, limpest-dickest way possible. Lisa tells him to jog on, and he tells her she’s his future-waiiif, asks her what she’s doing, Lisa. Aaand…

DING-DING-DING! It’s time for ROUND TWO!

Mark tells him to “No te preocupes, hombre” (okay, every line in the film’s in English, except for Johnny’s lines, but I can have some fun too, no?), and… FIST-FIGHT! FIST-FIGHT! FIST-FIGH…?!

Aw, ffs! They just kinda shove each other around a bit. I wanted to see some VIOLENCE!

(◔ ︿ ◔^✿)^{… 😦}

Round two lasts a little bit longer than the first one. After it’s broken up, Johnny tells Mark he betrayed him! That he’s not good (spittin’ fire there, Johnny!)! That’s he’s just a… chicken…

“Chip-Chip-Chip-Chip-Cheeep–Cheeep!“

(T ◡ T^✿)^…PSML

They wave each others’ arms around a bit, extending round two into injury time, Johnny shoves some random off-screen plod, and declares that “arbady betray’d [him], [he’s] feddup wi dis wwrld!” before fucking off up the stairs.

So, everyone’s gone, and Lisa’s mum drops in to tell Lisa she’s cleaned up the kitchen. Turns out, Johnny’s locked himself in the loo-pot-room all this while. Lisa’s mum tells Lisa how sensible Johnny is and how he’ll handle everything in a mature, sensible way (y’know, just like this film).

So, Lisa tries to get Johnny out of the loo, and Johnny calls her a b*tch ^{what a foul-mouthed man!} So Lisa, sad because Johnny’s upset, but mad because he called her a b*tche ^{don’t worry, I’m here to save you from not-good words like that one!} calls up Mark. She tells Mark Johnny’s being “a big baby”, tells him not to “worry about Johnny”, tells him she loves him “very much”, and tells him she’ll be up to shag him in a mo. Mark’s immediately ‘up’ for it ^{a ha ha!} and they make it a date.

Now THAT gets Johnny out of the loo, and he asks Lisa, who was very obviously talking to Mark in earshot of him who she was talking to. And she says she weren’t talking to nobody. Johnny says he’ll “we’r see aboutdat” and unleashes a TAPE!

Wait. What?! I was supposed to remember that shit?!

He says he’ll “we’r see aboutdat” again and replays the call. And fuck me with a b… forget I started that sentence. This is the LOUDEST FUCKING RECORDER EVER. It’s the loudest thing in the fucking film. It sets off echoes and everything!

Johnny sees Lisa packing up shop and calls her a little “dr*mph!” and throws a tantrum. Y’see, he gave her SEVEN YEARS of his life. He goes to “we’r see” what else he’s got recorded in that little tape of his. Some argumentation happens, with voices going up and down in every-which-fucking-way-volume-wise, and then Johnny goes EPIC FUCKING RAWR! and goes into a sad face.

He sits in a sofa and rawrs, he has flashbacks of Lisa and rawrs, he makes ex-dee faces and rawrs, he flashes back to the crappy porno at the start of the film and rawrs, he drops some fruits and rawrs, calls Lisa a b*tch again and rawrs, he slides things off shelves and rawrs (one of the pictures lands on the camera, lol), he… chucks his TV through a window and smashes it while rawr-ing, he HDR3£”FSEED£rASDBwrwf£”DGGGGUEFHG7GVs and rawrs, he tosses his sheets and rawrs, he lies on his bed and rawrs before getting right the fuck back up, he smashes a window and rawrs, and then he… he faps with Lisa’s “sex red dress” while… rawr-ing…

…

(⊙ _ ⊙^✿)^…?!

And then he rips up the dress, and pulls out his gun! And he goes off to find Mark and Lisa! And… this film just got FUCKING EXCITING!

…

jk
He offs himself at like 6 FPS.

Mark and Lisa try to get him to “wake up”, and…

(◔ _ ◔^✿)^…um

The guy has a hole in the back of his head… So, of course Lisa asks Mark if Johnny’s dead. So, she leaks from her eyeholes while Mark kisses Johnny, who’s leaking from his head-hole. Lisa’s kinda happy since she still has Mark (oookay… timing!) And Mark decides he’s had enough of her and tells her to f–right off! 😡 since she “killed him”.

Um… no?

And if we’re talking about her being the reason… YOU’RE THE OTHER HALF, MARK, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. But, he calls her a dramph! and pins it all on her. And he calls her a b*tch, too! Denny shows up, crying already, and finds dead-Johnny before screaming at him to “wake up”. Nah, kid. It’s cool. He’s just taking a quick kip ^{fucking idiots, the lot of them}.

Mark and Lisa leave, then come back. We can hear sirens, and other people start talking, and…

CAST

Johnny TOMMY WISEAU

Lisa JULIETTE DANIELLE

Mark GREG SESTERO

Denny PHILLIP HALDIMAN

Claudette CAROLYN MINNOT

Michelle ROBYN PARIS

Mike SCOTT HOLMES

Chris-R DAN JANJIGIAN

…what? I’m just wasting some space… I can’t put too many pictures too close together. Dem’s the rules. Anyway. We’ve reached the END OF THE FILM!

And what a pile of shit it is. I can’t believe I watched this like four times over while writing this post up. My brains went gone and turned into mush. So much for taking a break from writing horror game reviews (I’m continuing our horror month ’cause I couldn’t get all our reviews done in time).
Right. On to the next section!

---

CLOSING THOUGHTS

So… yeah. Why did I decide to do The Room? Well, it’s a change, isn’t it? And it adds to my ‘bucket of shit’ collection along with Muck, Little Red Riding Hood, and Playing With Dolls. GOD I watch some dumb shit, sometimes. But HEY! Look at the bright side! You get a new review from me!

Okay. So these aren’t our best reviews or anything, but don’t y’all just love me complaining about stupid films? That’s what they’re there for: to be complained about. And The Room is right up there.

But… there’s another reason, too.

We’re watching The Disaster Artist, based on the book by Greg Sestero (ohaiMark!) and Tom Bissell, when it comes out in theatres, and hoo boy! It looks good. It’s by A24, which is one of our favourite studios (see our previous reviews of their movies at the following links: The Blackcoat’s Daughter and Green Room), and looks right on a tear around now.

James Franco (remember how I dropped his name earlier? I’m so clever and smart!) stars in it as Tommy/Johnny, and his brother Dave stars in it as Greg/Mark. Here’s a look at the trailer. Looks good, no? I thought it’d be good to resurrect the Crow’s old post with my little twists on it. And yep: Johnny was supposed to “be vampire” in the film. How were they going to prove it? By having his car fly through the night. How would this have improved the movie? By FUCK YOU FOR LEAVING IT OUT much.

So there we go. That’s The Room ^{a ha ha!} its nat good. It’s so nat good it’s good. You can look up to see if it’s showing at a theatre near you here. Remember to bring along some plastic spoons.

Seriously… what was it with the spoons? Why are they fucking everywhere?
(That reminds me: I need to get some plastic spoons. I’m going to be having a lot of take-away this week…)

AND OH MY FUCKING GOD. That’s the first time I saw the trailer I linked to up there. He wasn’t stabbing her in the liver! He was doing it with her BELLY BUTTON! THAT MAKES SENSE TOO! I just don’t know which one I like better…

Oh, before I forget, here’s another snippet from the Crow’s old review. It should be fun reading:

The Crow: Juliette Danielle, who plays Lisa, has since done two Reddit AMAs (Take One, and Take Two) and has generally been a good sport about things.

So anyway. That’s me! I’m your favourite reviewer. That’ll be a dozen red roses. And I can’t talk about where I get my lat of money from. I’ll see you later with some spooky-dooky shit soon. You’ll see the Crow next ’cause I got a wedding to get not-drunk at this week. See’s y’all later! I’ll be bringing the spooks and dooks soon. Take care you lot, and…

Bai doggy! 

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FINAL RATINGS

THE AZURE-WINGED MAGPIE: SPOON/10

THE CROW: “n/a”/10