a News Update, by the Azure-Winged Magpie and the Crow.



The Azure-Winged Magpie: Wooooo! We have a new shiny team member!

Now just give me a minute…

(X‾X) … *POW!*  ᕕ(◔◡◔)…why wasn’t I told about this?!

The Crow: …? Because I’m the boss?

The Azure-Winged Magpie: No you ain’t.

The Crow: …yes I … am?

The Azure-Winged Magpie: (X‾X) … *POW!*  ᕕ(◔◡◔)

Anyway. I’m on good behaviour for now. So that dopey old crow’s got a pass on this one. ALRIGHT. Let’s talk about other things!

So The Handmaiden came out here in Brit-land last night! We’re waiting to see if people agreed with us about the film. I haven’t weighed in on it myself in the review (it was posted before I done showed up sob!) but damn… it’s such a sexy thriller (and I’m not talking about the lesbians scenes you pervs!)


Britain Soccer

The Crow promised that he’d explain that sexy (I mean, seriously… look at this!) man Eric Cantona’s Sardines-and-Seagulls speech at some point. So… Imma hold him to it. Now go on birdie-birdie: tell me what that meant.

The Crow: The line was (and he was my age (at the time of this writing) when he said this):

When the seagulls [pause for sip of water] follow the trawler (beat) it’s because they think sardines will be thrown (beat) into (beat) the sea.

Thank you very much.


I’m not going to go on too much about it, but the context surrounding this line is important. It was during a difficult time for him, for the club, and for everyone. And that was all thanks to the bane of football, and English football in specific: the tabloid media.

Yes, he’d punted that bastard in the face “kung-fu-style”, and while I don’t really want to come off as a total fanboy (even though I am), I think – while what the King did was wrong – that idiot deserved something.

Maybe not a kick to the face (because it’s just not the best idea), but then again…


A player under pressure, just being sent off (rightly; for a very unfair tackle), and some twit walks up to the front and shouts out some stupid line (allegedly) about your mother? To my shame, I must admit I’d have a similar reaction, if that happened, to be fair. I’d probably render the man toothless. I’d like to see anyone try to stop me.

It wasn’t right, but we need to remember that while he was a celebrity (and is), he’s still a man (although he isn’t. He’s Cantona.)

It’s easy to say these days things the like of ‘oh, why would I watch twenty-two millionaires kick a ball about for two hours?!’, but things weren’t like that until relatively recently.

While he was (and is) undeniably a genius, sometimes, a certain dark streak showed in him. And what genius doesn’t have a stroke of madness? King Eric took it all in stride. The greatest manager in any sport ever (the legendary Sir Alex Ferguson) stood by him, the club stood by him. Disappointment is natural in these situations because you don’t want to lose a player of his stature, but they quickly figured the situation out, and they stood firm by him.

He was under pressure by the media to ‘explain himself’. And that’s when he said those words and left. That was all there was to the press conference.

As a side note: According to certain team-mates, he was actually looking for the word “seagull” moments before the presser in which he said it. So, he pretty much made it up on the spot.


But enough about all of that. This is what it means:

He’s taking the piss out of the media scum, telling them to stop looking for more titbits to milk, and telling them what they are to their faces. 

Allow me to break it down. When the seagullsjust look at what shows up on a Google search for that term for me (the ravenous, scavenging bastards that they are), follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.

The bold terms there?

Seagulls: the scavenging, roaming journalists always looking for a scoop.

Trawler: The King himself. The vehicle expected to drop ‘juicy’ grub.

Sardines: The ‘juicy’ grub: effectively-pointless details that can be twisted into what we’d call click-bait, these days. These people are looking for scraps for an article. Anything he said would be made into a page 43 (or a backpage) piece of shit article in tabloid publications.

Sea: The sea of media. That’s all.


In just a few words, the King blocked the media out. His words should be remembered. Some Hollywood actor (I believe it was that obnoxious kid from Transformers) tried to replicate the sentiment, and I’m not sure of the context there, but it’s a genius way to completely wreck an establishment without actually telling them. That’s the kind of thing that separates these characters from most people in the world of football.

So, translated: You keep pressing me for details, so that you can spin it into tall tales? Well, Eric Cantona won’t be dropping you any details whatsoever. Go bugger off.

And that’s how I see it.

The Azure-Winged Magpie: …whoa. Wait. What?! And yup. It were Shia.

The Crow: Yep. And it was him! The statement means exactly what it says on the cover.

The Azure-Winged Magpie: Hm. Right.

The Crow: I mean, like I said, I thought it was obvious. The media scrutiny around football is horrifically stupid.


The Azure-Winged Magpie: Okay… to change the subject: What’s going on with this new team member?! Who is this twit?!

The Crow: He’s one of my oldest friends, and it’s a pleasure to have him finally arrive on these hallowed shores. And he’s written a review of a movie I wanted to do myself (Looking for Eric, starring Eric Cantona and Steve Evets), and he’s done a stellar job of it.

The Azure-Winged Magpie: You bloody Manchester United fans. You’re EVERYWHERE!

The Crow: Best team in the world. Unlike your team.

The Azure-Winged Magpie: Fuck you. At least I’m a local fan!

The Crow: …I’m done, here. We’re not getting into this one again.

The Azure-Winged Magpie: So, anyway… we have a new member!

The Crow: Yes.

The Azure-Winged Magpie: So… let’s all give him a nice warm welcome (a thumpin!)

(X‾X) … *POW!*  ᕕ(◔◡◔)

and chug along!


Take care you lot reading this! Love you all to bits!

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