a review by the Azure-Winged Magpie.
^{(And thank you for the drop-dead gorgeous header image for the MonsterVerse post Crow! I’m keepin’ it!)}

(◔◡◔^✿)^!

ALL HAIL KING GOJIRA

As I recently announced, I’d be taking a look at a few things relating to Godzilla/Gojira. Now that Kong’s been out in cinemas for some time (and I was having trouble writing about it) I figured what the hell? Why don’t I kill two bir-^{(don’t you lot dare tell the Crow nutthin’…)} cats with one stone and just talk about this ‘MonsterVerse’ they’re building up?

So far… we’ve got two movies out. And they’re the two of the best known giant creatures to have ever been put into cinema. Everyone wants to be like the MCU these days. No?

We’ve got the Legendary Monster Universe already starting to roll, the DCEU, and honestly… I’m getting kinda sick and tired of it all. I mean. Sure. If it makes people money, let them have at it. But I want new things as well. And I’m disappointed that there’s pretty much nothing else out there. Even Pirates of the Caribbean‘s lost its novelty for me.

But hey man. Godzilla? King Kong? Rodan? Mothra? King mo-[REDACTED]-ing Ghidorah? All of them all confirmed and ready to throw down? Oh man… these are going to be fun. Aren’t they? Hollywood hasn’t really pulled off the giant monster vs. giant monster (to be honest no one but Japan has) thing all that much. Yeah. Pacific Rim exists, but I kinda thought it was a miss for me.

Anywho… let’s take a look at how the series has shaped up so far:

[WARNING: THESE STOMPING GROUNDS… HERE THERE BE SPOILERS]

Note: This post was changed to a full-on Godzilla review. I’ll review Kong: Skull Island some other time because this one got too long.

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OPENING THOUGHTS

Boom-shakalaka! The KING has returned!
^{…to stop kinky monster sex!}

(ʘ っ ʘ^✿)^…wut?!

This Godzilla is a reboot wayyy different from that piece of trash 1998 film (I know I’m supposed to be on good behaviour atm, but I think the Crow’ll let me get away with this one: screw Zilla!). This one comes with Toho’s stamp (or stomp heehee!) of approval. And after TEN years of no Godzilla(!), knowing how bad Hollywood fucked up their last crack at it… they damn sure ain’t going to let Gojira end up like this.

Seriously… fuck Zilla!

Anyway…

Everything looked like it’d be a kickass flick when it finally dropped. The trailers looked good. The little flashes I saw of him made him look HUGE. Unconsciously we were all still under a collective no-Godzilla hangover.  This wasn’t going to be bad. Was it?

Was it?! Please don’t tell me it’s going to be bad. Pretty please?

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REVIEW

Godzilla starts out promising and all. There’s a lot of time-skipping at the start of the film. The credits show off a lot of images of nukes and explosions and other bits and parts of history. We see a giant creature (you know who…) begin to surface as they come to an end. And just as we’re about to see the KING rise up… the twats nuke ‘im.

(ʘ _ ʘ^✿)

^{How dare you insult the king you filthy peasants?!}

This film handles itself a little bit differently than I’d thought it would. I hadn’t seen too much of the promotional material. And I was a little surprised at how things started out. Not only were nuclear weapons a plot point, but so was the disaster at Fukushima Daiichi (which I guess has become part of the overall lore of the Gojira franchise at this point – but more on that some other day). Early on we see skeletal remains of… something vaguely Godzilla-like. And next to it two pods. One is open. And stretching all the way to the ocean from it is a trail of carnage.

Full spoilers from here on out.

The MUTOs (Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organism)s (even though one flies like a bird!) are awoken when it’s time for them to finally make the good ol’ Kaiju-with-two-backs. They start making their way to a nice cosy place for them to get on with some heavy monster rumpy-pumpy. And while humans (as usual) are completely flaccid and ineffective in the face of these things, along the way they catch the notice of an ancient alpha predator. The KING HIMSELF.

ALL HAIL KING GOJIRA! ALL HAIL KING GOJIRA! ALL HAIL KING GOJIRA! 

Say it with me!

Now Gojira pretty much teams up with the humans (he’s a good king after all) and steps into action… ALMOST ONE FUCKING HOUR INTO THE MOVIE (sorry, couldn’t help myself). And there… after YEARS of waiting. After TEN FUCKING YEARS…
^{Fuck your rules Crow! The KING has arrived!} 

(T_ワT^✿)

Oh my fucking god. How I was waiting for it. I need more of that in my life pls.

And he takes on the flying MUTO in a hugely disappointing off-screen tussle (WHY couldn’t we watch this shit?!). The MUTO makes like a chicken and GTFOs from the scene so he can hook up with his bae. Muto-bae rampages through Vegas (I want to go again! I want to go again! Crow! Make me a plane and take me there NOW!) to meet her boy-toy and the two of them make like kinky monster pornstars.

They want a family you see? That thing Inara wished Mal once in Firefly?! Hundreds of fat children? Yeah… these two want at least a couple grand by the looks of things.

Gojira is escorted by the US Navy to San Fransisco. Nukes are optioned. It seems Gojira’s REALLY REALLY on the side of the humans with this one. He don’t want MUTO babbies running around everywhere neither. No sir the king doesn’t. And FINALLY Hollywood does what it should’ve done in the first place…

KAIJU FIGHT! KAIJU FIGHT! WE GOT A KAIJU FIGHT! 

And it’s so worth the wait! Gojira’s only in the film for like around ten minutes but each one of those minutes is worth every penny you spent on the film.

I’m completely ignoring the human characters because DA KING IN DA HOUSE (AND DIS HIS HOUSE BITCH!) I liked them all. With ONE huge exception. I didn’t really like Aaron Taylor-Johnson. He just seemed to not be very ‘into’ what was going on. And just WHY did he and Liz Olsen agree to star together as siblings just a few months later in Age of Ultron? Ew. Did no one point out how icky that looks? The ick… I could feel that shit throughout Avengers 2 every time they showed up. Shoutout to Zordon the Heisenberg though (too bad he’s not in the film a little more).

But enough about these losers. Let’s get back to who counts: KING GOJIRA. THE KING OF THE MONSTERS!

The MUTOs are kinda tough it seems. A lot tougher than I originally thought. And they tag-team Gojira into a bad spot (nooo!). But Gojira has something they don’t. Just when things go complete tits-up for the soldiers running around because Aaron torches the little baby-MUTOs…

(T_ワT^✿)

Nuclear Fried MUTO? I’ll have one pls. Thx!
^{(Might even make that two with a side of torched MUTO eggs…)}

The fight goes on. MUTO arse gets kicked. MUTO arse gets stomped. MUTO arse gets tail-swatted into oblivion. MUTO head gets smoked right the fuck off. And I love it! I want more!

So… the King genocides the living daylights out of the MUTOs. The city is wrecked. And the King wearily kind of collapses near the bay. And he just kinda… dies.

(T ︿ T^✿)^{my King!}

Everyone just kind of hangs around and looks at the carnage the morning after. Gojira is down and Watanabe is sad. And I’m sad. Everyone’s in tears. And then… the King wakes up.

He just needed a nap is all!

He roars one last time to say ‘Yeah… yeah… thank me later. Now go do your jobs.’ And decides he’s had enough and wants to take a swim. And he slips into the water.

Maybe he’s also a bit hungry. Yeah… he definitely needs some grub. I recommend some nice real-life kaiju sashimi (thanks for letting me know Cthulu exists Crow!)^{That’s what sent me over the edge and made me like… this}

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THOUGHTS

Well… that was a lot longer than I thought this would ever be. And I’ve got a WHOLE second movie to go through!

But hey… I’m a fangirl. I get carried away sometimes.

(◔◡◔^✿)^!

I have some problems with Godzilla though…

While I unconditionally love ‘His Nuclear-Scaliness God-King Gojira the King of the Monsters’ (which I encourage others to call him by) and I KNOW why he’s not in the film all that much… I WANT MORE GOJIRA!

ATJ was pretty awful. I don’t know if it was the script or he just hadn’t had his morning coffee, but man the bloke looked like he couldn’t be bothered 80% of the time. I felt some of the ‘philosophical’ moments were a bit stupid. I thought the scene near the end where after SF has been completely DEVASTATED… the one where the news reports say Gojira is a ‘hero’? I thought that was a laugh and a half. Humans ain’t that understanding or generous. Trust me… us corvids have known your kind for generations.

And those scenes where His Nuclear-Scaliness and mummy MUTO have ‘interactions’ with humans… why do these kaiju care?! It’s not like we individually make eye contact with puny insects. Like say a wasp or something stings you. Do you remember that wasp and chase it down?

I mean… sure. Mummy MUTO has a rage going when her kids are grilled-up. But to follow ATJ all sneaky-like on the boat just to INDIVIDUALLY face off with him later on?! And HOW did she sneak up on him like that anyway?!

Matter of fact, how did His Highness ninja himself away from ATJ?! Or up behind mummy MUTO?! This shit makes no sense. And exactly WHAT does God-King Gojira (of August scaliness) eat?! I mean… radioactive waste? LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIM! We dump a LOT of this stuff. But to sustain THAT size?! He even drops the MUTO head. So… it’s not like he was nomming on it during nap time.

I always felt that the bones from the beginning would kick in some way. Like maybe the MUTOs need Gojira’s species to grow up. But nah… the King just sorta sniffs them out somehow and they have nothing else to do with each other. And WHY is their reproductive cycle so different from their own kids’? Maybe that’s just down to us not knowing anything about the MUTOs. But considering how much MUTO-corpse is left at the end of the film… we’d better get an answer soon.

Hangonaminute… the scientists here are dumb. They had acess to the MUTOs for YEARS.

But hey. We got to see the King back in action!

Here… watch the parts that really matter.

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CLOSING THOUGHTS

So yeah… it’s not that great, but it sure delivers on what it says on the cover: some daikaiju levels of arse-whooping.

I wish we could’ve seen more of the tussle in Honolulu. And maybe perhaps the MUTOs could’ve been expanded on. But… boys and girls and kids of all sorts: we have some pretty awesome scenes from His Scaly Holiness himself. He’s HUGE (and I’ve seen him HUGER still). He steals the show. And he’s just kicked off a franchise.

Maybe I’m letting my squealy little fangirl instincts take over, and the film isn’t all that good. But balls to that letting me not love watching the King unleashed for the first time in all his glory.

This one’s for us fans. Let’s love it for what it is.

ALL HAIL THE KING! ALL HAIL THE KING! ALL HAIL THE KING! 

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FINAL RATINGS

THE AZURE-WINGED MAGPIE: 7.5/10

THE CROW: 4/10

Crow’s note: I was quite disappointed by this movie. The only good parts are the intro, Cranston, and Godzilla himself (atomic breath ftw!). I’d recommend it for fans, and for the set-pieces, but it’s largely forgettable otherwise.

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Here… take a look at this pretty poster: